When I found out the first time, it was all a mystery. I didn't know a lot about skin cancer, I didn't even know there were different types. I didn't know about treatment, I didn't know how the body worked, and I didn't know how cancer worked. A year down the line though, I have a lot of wonderful friends and acquaintances who have been an incredible support to me who all have experiences with melanoma. In knowing these people, I have learnt so much about this disease: mainly how incredibly cruel it can be. I know now that when advanced it is pretty hard to cure, and so many lives have been lost this way. I know that treatments are still a bit shaky. And I know that melanoma does whatever the hell it wants to do.
With all this in mind, I have been, quite frankly, terrified by what may lie ahead.
Although I know the protocol's now; I know how to fill out hospital forms, who to ring, what to take, where to go, I'm even on first name terms with most of the nurses now (!), it just means that I know what will happen next. My initial biopsy is done, next is a CT scan, and then after that...we wait.
It is a weird and horrible feeling knowing that you have no control past the next two weeks. Even though none of us can be 100% what will happen tomorrow, we can optimistically plan for the future, and ignore the fact that illness is lurking behind a corner somewhere. In two weeks I could either be delivered wonderful news or devastating news, which could potentially change my entire life. It's almost like getting ready to jump out of a plane but not entirely sure if your parachute is going to work or not. Or more commonly when you pay at a shop with your card and you don't know if it is going to be accepted (but on a slightly higher scale ;))
BUT, before this happens, I have 2 weeks (well, 10 days now...) of ignorant bliss. 10 days to have fun, do nice things, treat myself and people around me, and to continue to do whatever I want to!
In someways, I think I'm incredibly lucky to have this perspective on life. Even though it feels a bit like a ticking bomb, it also makes me realise how much control we have over what we do, and what we want to achieve. I'm not saying I should be climbing mountains and running marathons every day (I wouldn't recommend that to anyone ;)) but I'm saying do what you want to do. If that is stay in bed and watch films-do it! If that is go out for meals-do it! If that is go out and buy two adorable Guinea Pigs-do it!!
Life is too short not to :)
My gorgeous bundles of joy that have been cheering me up all weekend :D
And an actual Happy Anniversary to my incredible boyfriend, without whom I would not have got this far :) xxxxx
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